How do you think our children and grandchildren will relate to Judaism and being Jewish?
Will/does it matter to them?
Will their Jewish lives look different from ours?
Does their acceptance or rejection of being Jewish and their approach to it matter to you? Why?
26 thoughts on “Question #2 – Our Children and Grandchildren”
I think the question touches on something important in its wording. Specifically, there’s Judaism (which includes a lot of liturgy and practice and thousands of pages of rabbinical debate over minutiae) and “being Jewish” (which can mean a lot of things, but here I will take it to mean “living Jewish ideals and ethics… a Jewish life”). Let’s break those down…
My family, although nominally Conservative, has never been one for tight observance. A discussion of why would take pages. My child is learning his prayers and will be Bar Mitzvah, as I did. However, I expect that he, like my family, will not be going to daily minion. I know he inherited the family taste for lobster!
But then there’s being Jewish. Living ethically. Being kind. Taking action on behalf of those who can’t or won’t act on their own. Here, my family is observant and here, I am proud to say, my son is already showing that he, too, will be.
For my grandchildren, I expect the same… just as my grandparents expected of me. I expect that they will associate with Judaism and learn at least enough that they feel a part of the community. I do not expect that they will be observant of all the rituals. But I expect that they will live ethical lives, that they will be kind and charitable… because their father is.
Though my son is the child of a Jew and a practicing Christian. Yet he has no doubt that he is a Jew. He is proud of his heritage. That said, I worry that the patterns of modern living will drive him away from connection to Judaism. Should he marry a non-Jew, his children will not be considered Jewish. Will he raise them as Jews?
My hope is that he is experiencing Judaism as community, not as ritual and belief, and that as he learns the need for community that he will seek a Jewish one so he has an anchor in his adult life.
Anonymous @9:41 PM has captured the essence of my own feelings about Judaism, but I can’t adopt his answer as my own. Here’s the problem:
None of us would claim, I’m sure, that the important virtues that Anonymous set forth are exclusive to us as Jews. That being so, we can’t use them as sufficient reason to be Jewish. One could argue that the Jews pioneered these values, but having succeeded in making them universal we can no longer claim them as ours alone.
The cultural touchstones of American Judaism are falling away. Our grandchildren will know no one who was part of the great immigrations of the early 20th century. Yiddish is for museums. The foods and the music of Eastern Europe are fading. Sushi has overtaken lox on the Jewish plate.
Being Jewish is inconvenient at best, and dangerous at worst. If we can’t meaningfully differentiate ourselves from other socially liberal, charitable, ethical people, then how can we answer the “Why be Jewish?” question to the satisfaction of our grandchildren?
So, I am “Anonymous at 9:41” and I’d like to comment here. I think the difference between my answer and this one is in the scope of definition. While I spoke of culture… and then discussed values… this post only discusses the latter. And, in the narrow sense argued here, I agree with this post. However, in the broader context of my post… which I intended but did not explicitly expand on… I disagree. Our values are now “universal” (oh, that that were truly so) and therefore undifferentiated, but our culture is neither universal nor undifferentiated. The shared experience our people have had has led to something which keeps us different. The proof? They don’t get the jokes.
At the same time, I think the post touches on something even more important. Specifically, notice that the post’s examples of culture are Yiddish and lox… and the “food and music of Eastern Europe.” That’s a bit exclusive in my opinion. Why was the paragraph not written with Ladino and couscous… and the “food and music of Turkey?” Are the Sephardi not “American Jews?”
A lot of this is hypothetical since my granddaughter is an infant. I can see that her mother, my only child, lives a Jewish life, has a Jewish home, belongs to a synagogue with her non-Jewish husband, and this is the environment in which my granddaughter will grow up. I think the most important question is the last one: will her acceptance or rejection of being Jewish and her approach to it matter to me? My answer: it will matter to me very much–assuming that I live long enough to see her as a young adult. So then comes yet another question: why does it matter so much to me? Is it because of a sense of commitment to my chain of ancestors? Is it because I think that Jewish values and the Jewish way of living a good life and a Jewish approach to understanding life and death and so on are the best option for future generations? These questions are even harder to answer.
I once read something that tried to determine if there was some objective measure one could use to evaluate a particular tradition (in contrast to the modern phenomenon of assuming all traditions to be equally good, at least for those who hold to them).
After looking at different (failed) attempts to create some kind of standard, the writer suggested that the best traditions were those designed to maximize the chance of success of one’s grandchildren. Using cooking as a metaphor, he talked about how you can’t just leave your cookbooks to your children or teach them how to cook. Rather, you have to teach them how to teach others to cook and inspire such a love of the subject in them that they will be likely to teach their children this skill.
When I think of the hundreds of generations of Jews that have worked tirelessly (and often sacrificed their lives) so that not just their grandchildren, but generations far off in the future will instill Jewish tradition and moral law into their children, I understood why it was important to join a temple (even thought I didn’t grow up in one), raise my children in the tradition, and so instill in them the love of faith and learning that Isaiah represents that there will be a chance that they will pass this gift onto their kids, making us all part of a chain that has no end.
I think that with each generation the way individuals relate to Judaism and what Jewish life looks like evolves. My Jewish life is radically different from my grandparents, mine being more cultural rather than rule-following. So my expectation is my grandchildren’s Jewish life will also be different and hopefully just as rich.
If I am being completely honest, my hope that my grandchildren accept and embrace Judaism it is mostly a selfish hope. It matters to me because it I am hopeful that we can share jewish ideals and values (particularly the importance of education) and the things that are familiar and comforting to me (the rituals, the food, the music, the jokes) because it will be a way for us to bond. In the same way that I see my son bond with his grandmother over making matzo balls or his grandfather over klezmer music.
It is similar to my feelings about seeking out a Jewish spouse. Not only is it a relief to take the religion question off the table, but there can be (though not always) a strong bond between people who had a similar upbringing, shared ideals, moral values, and cultural experiences.
For our elementary are kids we discuss/debate being Jewish. The kids at times have wanted to be Christian. Why? Partly because of the Easter Bunny. Partly to not have to go to Hebrew School. But when informed that Christian kids also go to religious school, then that preference disappears. So I think our open/accepting society may ironically make it harder to know what you are and what you are not.
I think it depends on whom they marry and our relationship to that person. After our kids are adults is there any way we can have influence on whether our grandchildren will be Jewish?
I believe my kids will carry Jewish values with them forever, but I have no idea what their approach will be. I think this raises an interesting question about parenting young adults, what that means, etc.
When our children have their own children I believe that the importance of a Jewish education and shared values will become significant. Before that, Judaism will be a matter of social convenience for meeting friends. If our children decided not to have Judaism be a part of their lives we would respect that choice, but it would really hurt.
“The Threat to Survival” – The history of Jews dealt with this issue from the beginning. Judaism will survive because of its value system. While it does not answer all human questions: Who are we? Where are we going? How will our lives be meaningful? What purpose is life? Our children and grandchildren will find their way to and through Judaism.
Our Massachusetts grandchildren will relate to Judaism — and do. The relationship is related to both the religious and also to the culture. Our N. Y. grand kids are not being raised Jewish. We accept it but wish it was different.
We have 3 children in their 40’s who have all taken a different approach to Judaism – oldest son/wife are devout and very connected to their Temple. Second son identifies Jewish but connects not at all with the religion. His child is being brought up without religion (this is very painful for me) because my daughter in law believes religions are harmful. Our third, a daughter, is deeply Jewish but an atheist. She is single.
I have four grandchildren, two boys, two girls. The boys are 19 and 16 and both have had bar-mitzvahs. Their family no longer belongs to their temple. The girls are 11 and 6. The 11 year old does not attend any type of religious school , but knows she’s Jewish and attends all family holiday events, which I hold in hopes of imparting something Jewish to them). The 6 year old is being raised in a “no religion at all” household. I don’t think she has any idea that her father is Jewish and has attended out Seder for the first time, at age 6.
No one in my family believes in God, so I’m wondering, when I’m not here to do the holidays, will anyone? Will anyone care about Judaism?
They all know they are Jewish, but they seem to reject “religion” or God.
To me “Living a Jewish Life” encompasses many aspects: a community, a conversation, a tradition, a religion, Tikkun Olam, and ??.
It IS a civilization and has been a very rewarding way of anchoring my life in this often chaotic and crass world. I’m very pleased that my adult married children have that same view. I hope that my grandchildren will also.
Judaism is the religion of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and all our ancestors and is and will be the religion of our children and grandchildren for the future!!
I don’t yet know how my grandchildren will be raised. What I do know is that they will have Jewish grandparents and I truly believe that the power of that will impact their lives in a very strong and meaningful way. A Jewish grandmother is not something to be taken lightly. I mean that very seriously.
Perhaps we have already succeeded in giving mankind a set of values and a sense of social justice. Secular western civilization carries our message. Our most recent contributions as a group have come from our status as a persecuted minority. If our descendants merge into the larger secular swirl, does that mean we have failed? No, it just means they need some other way of passing on their values.
I don’t expect my children’s relationship to Judaism, or future generations to change. Each individual follows a Jewish journey which is affected by their life journey. I don’t worry about my children’s choices; I trust them to find the right way to connect with community and religion, I expect that their choices will change over time. I can only share the joy I have found in my Jewish community and know that they will consider a similar connection among the choices they have. There will always be a Shabbat dinner, Passover seder, High Holiday observance, Chanukah candles here that I can share with whomever wants to join me.
My children feel “culturally” Jewish, but none are religious. I don’t expect that to change. Judaism is not important to any of them, but our heritage is important to all of them. I don’t believe that, when each chooses a spouse, that any will choose based on religion. I believe, however, that none of my children would want their children to be raised in another religion. I identify as Jewish, as do all of my siblings. It would sadden me if my children decided to abandon their Jewish heritage, but I would accept their decision. However, we have brought up our children in the Jewish tradition – one of doing for others, generosity of goods and spirit. I am happy to say that all of my children follow that tradition. I expect they will teach their children to do the same.
I think the question touches on something important in its wording. Specifically, there’s Judaism (which includes a lot of liturgy and practice and thousands of pages of rabbinical debate over minutiae) and “being Jewish” (which can mean a lot of things, but here I will take it to mean “living Jewish ideals and ethics… a Jewish life”). Let’s break those down…
My family, although nominally Conservative, has never been one for tight observance. A discussion of why would take pages. My child is learning his prayers and will be Bar Mitzvah, as I did. However, I expect that he, like my family, will not be going to daily minion. I know he inherited the family taste for lobster!
But then there’s being Jewish. Living ethically. Being kind. Taking action on behalf of those who can’t or won’t act on their own. Here, my family is observant and here, I am proud to say, my son is already showing that he, too, will be.
For my grandchildren, I expect the same… just as my grandparents expected of me. I expect that they will associate with Judaism and learn at least enough that they feel a part of the community. I do not expect that they will be observant of all the rituals. But I expect that they will live ethical lives, that they will be kind and charitable… because their father is.
Though my son is the child of a Jew and a practicing Christian. Yet he has no doubt that he is a Jew. He is proud of his heritage. That said, I worry that the patterns of modern living will drive him away from connection to Judaism. Should he marry a non-Jew, his children will not be considered Jewish. Will he raise them as Jews?
My hope is that he is experiencing Judaism as community, not as ritual and belief, and that as he learns the need for community that he will seek a Jewish one so he has an anchor in his adult life.
Anonymous @9:41 PM has captured the essence of my own feelings about Judaism, but I can’t adopt his answer as my own. Here’s the problem:
None of us would claim, I’m sure, that the important virtues that Anonymous set forth are exclusive to us as Jews. That being so, we can’t use them as sufficient reason to be Jewish. One could argue that the Jews pioneered these values, but having succeeded in making them universal we can no longer claim them as ours alone.
The cultural touchstones of American Judaism are falling away. Our grandchildren will know no one who was part of the great immigrations of the early 20th century. Yiddish is for museums. The foods and the music of Eastern Europe are fading. Sushi has overtaken lox on the Jewish plate.
Being Jewish is inconvenient at best, and dangerous at worst. If we can’t meaningfully differentiate ourselves from other socially liberal, charitable, ethical people, then how can we answer the “Why be Jewish?” question to the satisfaction of our grandchildren?
So, I am “Anonymous at 9:41” and I’d like to comment here. I think the difference between my answer and this one is in the scope of definition. While I spoke of culture… and then discussed values… this post only discusses the latter. And, in the narrow sense argued here, I agree with this post. However, in the broader context of my post… which I intended but did not explicitly expand on… I disagree. Our values are now “universal” (oh, that that were truly so) and therefore undifferentiated, but our culture is neither universal nor undifferentiated. The shared experience our people have had has led to something which keeps us different. The proof? They don’t get the jokes.
At the same time, I think the post touches on something even more important. Specifically, notice that the post’s examples of culture are Yiddish and lox… and the “food and music of Eastern Europe.” That’s a bit exclusive in my opinion. Why was the paragraph not written with Ladino and couscous… and the “food and music of Turkey?” Are the Sephardi not “American Jews?”
A lot of this is hypothetical since my granddaughter is an infant. I can see that her mother, my only child, lives a Jewish life, has a Jewish home, belongs to a synagogue with her non-Jewish husband, and this is the environment in which my granddaughter will grow up. I think the most important question is the last one: will her acceptance or rejection of being Jewish and her approach to it matter to me? My answer: it will matter to me very much–assuming that I live long enough to see her as a young adult. So then comes yet another question: why does it matter so much to me? Is it because of a sense of commitment to my chain of ancestors? Is it because I think that Jewish values and the Jewish way of living a good life and a Jewish approach to understanding life and death and so on are the best option for future generations? These questions are even harder to answer.
I once read something that tried to determine if there was some objective measure one could use to evaluate a particular tradition (in contrast to the modern phenomenon of assuming all traditions to be equally good, at least for those who hold to them).
After looking at different (failed) attempts to create some kind of standard, the writer suggested that the best traditions were those designed to maximize the chance of success of one’s grandchildren. Using cooking as a metaphor, he talked about how you can’t just leave your cookbooks to your children or teach them how to cook. Rather, you have to teach them how to teach others to cook and inspire such a love of the subject in them that they will be likely to teach their children this skill.
When I think of the hundreds of generations of Jews that have worked tirelessly (and often sacrificed their lives) so that not just their grandchildren, but generations far off in the future will instill Jewish tradition and moral law into their children, I understood why it was important to join a temple (even thought I didn’t grow up in one), raise my children in the tradition, and so instill in them the love of faith and learning that Isaiah represents that there will be a chance that they will pass this gift onto their kids, making us all part of a chain that has no end.
I think that with each generation the way individuals relate to Judaism and what Jewish life looks like evolves. My Jewish life is radically different from my grandparents, mine being more cultural rather than rule-following. So my expectation is my grandchildren’s Jewish life will also be different and hopefully just as rich.
If I am being completely honest, my hope that my grandchildren accept and embrace Judaism it is mostly a selfish hope. It matters to me because it I am hopeful that we can share jewish ideals and values (particularly the importance of education) and the things that are familiar and comforting to me (the rituals, the food, the music, the jokes) because it will be a way for us to bond. In the same way that I see my son bond with his grandmother over making matzo balls or his grandfather over klezmer music.
It is similar to my feelings about seeking out a Jewish spouse. Not only is it a relief to take the religion question off the table, but there can be (though not always) a strong bond between people who had a similar upbringing, shared ideals, moral values, and cultural experiences.
For our elementary are kids we discuss/debate being Jewish. The kids at times have wanted to be Christian. Why? Partly because of the Easter Bunny. Partly to not have to go to Hebrew School. But when informed that Christian kids also go to religious school, then that preference disappears. So I think our open/accepting society may ironically make it harder to know what you are and what you are not.
I think it depends on whom they marry and our relationship to that person. After our kids are adults is there any way we can have influence on whether our grandchildren will be Jewish?
Their acceptance of it does matter (which they do) because it is so much a part of our lives.
I believe my kids will carry Jewish values with them forever, but I have no idea what their approach will be. I think this raises an interesting question about parenting young adults, what that means, etc.
When our children have their own children I believe that the importance of a Jewish education and shared values will become significant. Before that, Judaism will be a matter of social convenience for meeting friends. If our children decided not to have Judaism be a part of their lives we would respect that choice, but it would really hurt.
“The Threat to Survival” – The history of Jews dealt with this issue from the beginning. Judaism will survive because of its value system. While it does not answer all human questions: Who are we? Where are we going? How will our lives be meaningful? What purpose is life? Our children and grandchildren will find their way to and through Judaism.
Our Massachusetts grandchildren will relate to Judaism — and do. The relationship is related to both the religious and also to the culture. Our N. Y. grand kids are not being raised Jewish. We accept it but wish it was different.
It feels like a mystery to me because I see young people who were raised Jewish tkae so many different paths.
We have 3 children in their 40’s who have all taken a different approach to Judaism – oldest son/wife are devout and very connected to their Temple. Second son identifies Jewish but connects not at all with the religion. His child is being brought up without religion (this is very painful for me) because my daughter in law believes religions are harmful. Our third, a daughter, is deeply Jewish but an atheist. She is single.
I have four grandchildren, two boys, two girls. The boys are 19 and 16 and both have had bar-mitzvahs. Their family no longer belongs to their temple. The girls are 11 and 6. The 11 year old does not attend any type of religious school , but knows she’s Jewish and attends all family holiday events, which I hold in hopes of imparting something Jewish to them). The 6 year old is being raised in a “no religion at all” household. I don’t think she has any idea that her father is Jewish and has attended out Seder for the first time, at age 6.
No one in my family believes in God, so I’m wondering, when I’m not here to do the holidays, will anyone? Will anyone care about Judaism?
They all know they are Jewish, but they seem to reject “religion” or God.
To me “Living a Jewish Life” encompasses many aspects: a community, a conversation, a tradition, a religion, Tikkun Olam, and ??.
It IS a civilization and has been a very rewarding way of anchoring my life in this often chaotic and crass world. I’m very pleased that my adult married children have that same view. I hope that my grandchildren will also.
Judaism is the religion of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and all our ancestors and is and will be the religion of our children and grandchildren for the future!!
It is up to the individual family and person.
If our children decided not to have Judaism as part of their lives we would respect that choice, but it would really hurt.
Yes, community. I think the temple does a great job for adults to grow and learn.
I don’t yet know how my grandchildren will be raised. What I do know is that they will have Jewish grandparents and I truly believe that the power of that will impact their lives in a very strong and meaningful way. A Jewish grandmother is not something to be taken lightly. I mean that very seriously.
Perhaps we have already succeeded in giving mankind a set of values and a sense of social justice. Secular western civilization carries our message. Our most recent contributions as a group have come from our status as a persecuted minority. If our descendants merge into the larger secular swirl, does that mean we have failed? No, it just means they need some other way of passing on their values.
I don’t expect my children’s relationship to Judaism, or future generations to change. Each individual follows a Jewish journey which is affected by their life journey. I don’t worry about my children’s choices; I trust them to find the right way to connect with community and religion, I expect that their choices will change over time. I can only share the joy I have found in my Jewish community and know that they will consider a similar connection among the choices they have. There will always be a Shabbat dinner, Passover seder, High Holiday observance, Chanukah candles here that I can share with whomever wants to join me.
My children feel “culturally” Jewish, but none are religious. I don’t expect that to change. Judaism is not important to any of them, but our heritage is important to all of them. I don’t believe that, when each chooses a spouse, that any will choose based on religion. I believe, however, that none of my children would want their children to be raised in another religion. I identify as Jewish, as do all of my siblings. It would sadden me if my children decided to abandon their Jewish heritage, but I would accept their decision. However, we have brought up our children in the Jewish tradition – one of doing for others, generosity of goods and spirit. I am happy to say that all of my children follow that tradition. I expect they will teach their children to do the same.